The Colonoscopy

It's a subject that feels very private, embarassing to talk about, and so you don't read much about the subject, except for the medical definitions; the colonoscopy. I reached the age (and passed it a little) of when they recommend that all men start getting this procedure. I'd heard about it years earlier and so I was not looking forward to this. I wont say I was scared, but I wasn't looking forward to it; and the fact that I couldn't find anything from someone that had it, I was convinced that it was going to be a horrible experience.

To put it in laymen's terms, they run a tiny video camera up your butt so that they can check for any signs of cancer or things that are pre-cancerous. Is that embarassing and graphic enough of a description?

It's no wonder that no one wants to talk about this. They just want to get it over. And of course, that is what causes the "fear of the unknown". I was convinced that this would be a horrible experience.

Rather than to go into much detail, I just say that the procedure was pretty much nothing. You wont remember it. They give you 2 drugs; one for pain and the other that causes amnesia. What I remember is laying down on a table, seeing the doctor for about 10 seconds, turning around to get comfortable; and the next I remember is being dressed already and my wife asking me if I was ready to leave.

There never was any pain. The most pain I had was in getting the IV in my arm. It was so cold that day and so the nurse had a difficult time finding a vein in my hand, and because the preparations for the procedure require no drinking from midnight on that day, I was a bit dehydrated, which makes finding a vein difficult. So they had to do it in my arm. I hate needles anyway, so this was not fun. It was necessary and I kept thinking that if this is the worst of it, then I'm okay. It's better than having cancer.

I can honestly say that the worst part of the whole thing is actually done the day before. At noon the previous day, I had to start drinking this stuff they gave me for starting the colon cleansing. It was a cherry flavored drink, but as far as I was concerned, it was like drinking cherry flavored power steering fluid.

After drinking that mess, I mixed up a drink they wanted me to have at 18:00. They recommended that I drink it cold (because it tastes better, they said), so I mixed it up earlier and had it in the refrigerator. At 18:00, I started drinking that stuff. I had to drink 8 ounces of the stuff every 15 to 30 minutes (4 drinks of 8 ounces each).

I can tell you this drink was nasty. It tasted like it had already been through me once.

Nasty!!!!

And then at 21:00, I had to drink another bunch of this stuff, 8 ounces every 15 to 30 minutes, 4 times. So I had 32 ounces that I had to drink at 21:00, and another 32 ounces that I started at 18:00.

This stuff was nasty. I could barely get it down. However, this was the most effective laxative I've ever seen. It worked. By 23:00, I was pretty well cleaned out. I drank lots of water. During that time, could only have clear liquids, so I was careful about what I could drink, but had no food from about noon on.

And then after midnight, I had no food or water until the procedure. That's where I messed up on scheduling. I should've scheduled the procedure at 8:00 or earlier, because then I wouldn't have been in such agony all day wanting to eat or drink. My procedure wasn't until 13:30.

My recommendation is to schedule a colonoscopy for early Monday morning, that way the preparation stuff can be done on Sunday and not require two days off work.

Oh. I forgot to mention the fun part (if you can call it that). They pump you full of CO2 so that they can get the camera in easily and see inside. However, afterwards, they have to make sure the gas is out before they send you home, so while you're still recovering they take you to "the fart room". I'm told the farts are award winning as far as volume and length, but because of the drugs, I barely remember one time. I wish I'd had a recording device though, because it was a good one.

Now, this story wouldn't be complete without mentioning that after this whole thing was over, it wasn't so bad. The worst part was the preparation, not the procedure itself. And the good thing for most everyone else, is that afterwards I found out that there is an alternative to the junk I had to drink. They have pills!!!!

Are you kidding me?

That doctor knew this was available and made me drink that nasty stuff?

Never again!! It's the pills for me next time. And if there is ever a way I can force some of this nasty bile down that doctor's throat, I plan on doing so. I was so angry when I found out that there was an alternative to the torture that I went through having to drink that nasty stuff.

Anyway, I got a "clean" bill of health. They found nothing even remotely suspicious so I wont have to have another colonoscopy for a few years, and I do plan on insisting on the pills rather than the drink.

I hope I haven't left out any important aspects of this, but mostly I just wanted to get across to anyone that will have to go through the procedure for their first time, that it really is nothing to worry about. The laxative and not being able to eat was the worst part of it. Better scheduling, and the pills instead of the drink, would make this whole thing a better experience.
And of course, having the colonoscopy for early detection is a smart thing to do.